The uniformed reflection looking back seemed like it was carved from stone. An unyielding force necessary to hold him together. Because once Jake fell apart, well, he wasn’t sure that anyone could put him back together again.
Like Humpty Dumpty… the one nursery rhyme that never failed to get his daughter crying. He knew how she felt.
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The ticker tape parade only lasted an hour, and his entire platoon was the guest of honor as they’d just returned home from the war after two grueling years. All of them were alive, and their small hometown was celebrating. Only, none of his troop brothers wanted to be there. The one thing they couldn’t imagine was why anyone would celebrate their actions. By the end of the route, Jake couldn’t hold it together anymore and stood behind a tree so that he could hide his meltdown. At least here, he could be alone…
“Mommy, why is that man crying?”
With a start, Jake glanced up and saw a little angel of a girl stare at him from behind her mother. The woman quickly moved away, gently explaining to her daughter that he was just happy to be home.
That wasn’t the reason why he was crying, but they did do him a favor. He couldn’t do this in front of his own little girl, because she was too sensitive to his feelings. And it didn’t help when he saw the worried looks that his wife cast when she thought he wasn’t paying attention. Little did she know that he was always paying attention. He had to, because his life used to depend on it. Being away from the war didn’t change that.
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As he sat on the dock behind his house, Jake stared at the sun rising on a new day and shuddered when he realized that he didn’t feel anything. It used to be that he was like a child when he saw a new dawn, as though he could see the magic all around him. Where had it gone?
Faith. He had it at one time. Believed in it. Completely. Until that day…
The neighbor’s car backfired once, and he dove for the ground. He didn’t get up until they had driven off, because he was embarrassed and hoped that no one saw his moment of weakness. As a man, it was unacceptable. As a soldier, it was unforgivable. He’d been through horrors that no one should ever have to see, and he had never once acted in fright. He wasn’t about to start now.
“Step out into the middle of the room,” yelled Jenkins, “where we can see you!”
“What are you hiding? Throw down your weapons! Now! Or we’ll shoot!” yelled Thomas from a dark corner.
“Watch out. He’s reaching for something…”, Jake screamed before all hell broke loose. Bright sparks lit up the darkness as a child’s scream pierced through the popping sounds. A tall gangly boy ran towards the child before he was hit by bullets strafing the small room. After minutes of automatic rapid fire, Jake finally managed to shout, “Stop! Stop! Sarge, this is just a family. Oh my god, we killed a family…”
Looking at the bodies splayed against a darkening floor, Jake watched as Thomas rolled each one over with tears streaming down his face. It was the first time any of them saw an actual dead body caused by their own hands.
“There’s no weapons, Sarge. Why did we have to shoot them, Sarge? Who told us these guys are terrorists? They’re just a damn family hiding from us, from everything.” Sobs started to echo around the room. He could hear one of his teammates retching in the corner. Guns fell to the floor as the men rushed out into the blinding sunlight. If they were shot outside, then they’d deserve it. They were responsible for listening to some guy’s shoot-to-kill orders from thousands of miles away. Some guy who would never see these terrified faces covered in dirt and blood.
The faces don’t go away. They never went away. Even in sleep, they followed Jake around, taunting him with his hypocrisy. Laughing at his medals and his clean pristine uniform which hid the shame that every member of his platoon felt. No one was a hero because everyone followed orders that should have been rejected. And the dead faces stared at them with eyes wide open, so that they could see the last moments of terror that they felt…forever.
He didn’t notice the tears falling down over his cheeks, leaving a trail of sorrow that still didn’t allow him to feel anything. How could a person cry and not feel anything? Unless, they were no longer human. Another day was starting and he couldn’t feel the promise any longer. What was he doing here? He shouldn’t even be here in his home, dirtying his beautiful family. They deserved so much more than him.
A small hand gently touched his cheek, and he was startled from his treacherous thoughts.
“Daddy, are you broken?”, asked his little angel. “Can I fix you?”
A twinge jerked his broken heart to a tentative start, and the tears started with a fury. He had to get away. She couldn’t see him like this. Not his little girl who depended on him.
As stubby little arms wound around his neck, he could only grasp her fiercely as he sobbed out his heartbreak. His little girl held him just as tight.
With wonder, he glanced up and saw his wife’s shining eyes filled with tears of joy. It seemed like forever since he’d seen that look in her eyes. In seconds, she was engulfing her husband and daughter in her arms as they all cried themselves fast asleep on the grass near the dock.
A dragonfly buzzed by his ear, and Jake woke up with a start. His wife and daughter were still holding on to him with iron grips, and he just lay there as he felt something warm fill his hollow soul. Just maybe, he had what he needed to get through his pain so that he could have a future. He wasn’t the first soldier to do his job, and he wouldn’t be the last to be right where he was at. A broken being looking for someone to fix him once and for all, so that he would no longer be frozen in a tragic time that refused to release him. As two warm bodies burrowed into his sides, he felt laughter churn up from the emptiness and fill him with something deeper than faith. He had hope.
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The doors opened up to a short darkened hallway, and he wanted to flee. It was in a hall like this that he had encountered his nightmare. Seeing hollow eyes look in his direction, he took a panicked step back until he felt a little hand slide around his fisted grip. Looking down with frantic eyes, Jake fell into his daughter’s wide-eyed gaze and calmed down. Her fingers gripped his hard, and she tugged him down until he was sitting on the floor. Climbing into his lap, she started to sing the Humpty Dumpty song, but with a new ending…
All of the king’s horses and all of the king’s men, smiled as the little girl put Humpty together again.
His wife looked on at her beloved family, then smiled at the doctor who had come to help her husband in. “Give them a minute. This is the first time I’ve seen her smile at that nursery rhyme. I think that we might be alright…”
Jake rose with a little angel in his arm, and took a tentative step forward into hallways that were no longer dark and scary. His wife hurried to catch up to their future. A future that had gotten just a little bit brighter…
